This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
