Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I lost the right to judge tonight
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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