if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
