just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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