i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
