Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
