She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Randomize
