At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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