News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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