You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize