saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
