Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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