You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I need to calm my uterus...
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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