I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
