Sry I called you an 8
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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