true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
