Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
and she was petting her beer can
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
