I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
