okay pat passed out under dana's car
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
