theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
