I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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