if only i could text you this smell
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
At least life still wants to fuck me.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
