I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
