Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
