She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
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I just gift wrapped bread.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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