So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
