There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
