How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
