great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
