I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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