Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
