Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
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I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
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My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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