I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Randomize
