She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
