in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
