You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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