OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
