dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
