im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
