I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Randomize
