I don't remember. Are we still dating?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
