he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
