I think I died a long time ago.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
