Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
