PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
