Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
