dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
