I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I wish they made helmets for livers.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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