I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
