I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
