Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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