I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
