she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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