Can Purell be used as lube?
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
