worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
