What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
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