speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
