My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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