woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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