the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
dude i'm inner monologue high
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
