She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
