Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
