toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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