Sorry, I don't speak sober.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
When are your genitals available?
Randomize
